This is Bree again.
On the post about my birthday (which was a massive amount of fun - I had such a good time!) my sisters mentioned in an offhand way that I don't eat very much. I didn't want to make that post or the comments really heavy with the difficult stuff, but I wanted to talk a little about why that is.
It's not quite an eating disorder in the clinical sense... but it is a pattern of disordered eating, and an unhealthy relationship with food. I know it's a problem. It just never seemed as pressing as the other stuff that was going on. It's been this way for awhile. Now I'm going to really start working to get better, though.
When I was younger, a lot of times we didn't have enough to eat. I could tell it made my parents feel stressed, and it scared me a lot too. So I taught myself to go without. I thought that meant being strong. The less I ate, the more likely it was that my (reduced) need for food would be met. I got used to it. It set a pattern.
As I got older, life seemed more and more out of control. Almost everything that happened was an adult's decision. I felt like I had no power. There was one thing I did have complete control over, though. Whether I put food into my body. It doesn't make a lot of sense when you apply logic to it, but somehow it made me feel better.
No one really noticed. Not till I came here. My sisters were surprised by how thin I am, and it matters to them if I eat or not. They expressed concern. I started to realize that maybe I should be concerned, too.
So, I'm going to work on it. It may take awhile to get my mind back on track. But I need to find ways to feel like I'm in control of my own life and my own future, without doing things that are bad for me.
Love,
Bree
Salut, Bree!
ReplyDeleteI've been without computer access until today, so I'm just catching up on your posts. I don't know if I ever told you this, but I'm enjoying your blog very much.
As for this post, I'm sure there's a girl at my school who can somewhat relate. I don't want to share names because it could be nothing, but from what I was told, she looked way different ten years ago than she does now. She struggles with her appearance, or so I've been told...
I understand your case is different, and yours is not out of problems with self-esteem. I think when you go through an experience as you did, you pick up unhealthy behaviors along the way.
Your a brave, smart girl...I promise you (and I know!) that everything will be fine. Try talking to a friend to whom you are close and getting advice. One of the most powerful clinical tools suggested by psychologists is to change the way you think and keep talking to yourself.
I hope I could help!
Sabine
Bree here. Thanks, Sabine! We enjoy your blog too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words of encouragement.
For a long time, I didn't recognize that what I was doing was unhealthy or disordered, because it was never about feeling fat. I would probably be pretty thin naturally either way, and I've never been that concerned about my appearance. (If anything I take kind of the opposite "whatever" approach.)
I DO think it's related to my self-esteem, though - just in a different way. It's about not valuing myself. It's about not feeling important enough to stand up for my own needs, or deserving of getting those needs met. It's about not really being confident that I'm strong enough to handle what life throws at me.
I think changing the way I think about and talk to myself will help a lot.
I hope your friend from school can get the help she needs too, if she does have a problem.
Thanks again for commenting.
Love,
Bree
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Bree,
ReplyDeleteGoing through everything you did before you met your sisters must have been scary. I am glad you recognized what was going on though, because that is the first step towards helping yourself get better.
Music really helps me a lot and I find this song really encouraging, so I hope you do too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvqvHO_nMu4
Cate
Bree again:
ReplyDeleteCate, thanks for that song link. It really resonated with me. I hadn't heard it before (yeah, I'm a little out of the loop recently) and I was nodding my head because the verse was talking about a lot of stuff that was like my life.
Then I got to the chorus and I thought, "Wait, no, but I'm definitely not perfect! All these things are wrong with me..."
But that's kind of the point, isn't it? It's not about not having any flaws, because everyone does. It's about being who we're supposed to be, and accepting ourselves flaws and all.
Thanks for sharing that. It helped.
Love,
Bree
Bree is perfect to us! :-D
ReplyDelete-The Other Green Girls
This is Bree. Aw, girls, I'm blushing. I love you guys!
ReplyDelete*virtual blog group hug*