Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Quiet House, Thinking Thoughts

Hi, this is Clare. :-)

Taryn suggested that I spend some of my wasted daytime hours blogging, and although I wasn't sure I'd have that much to say, I've given in to the peer pressure, and I'm going to try.

The house is really quiet without Evelyn, Charissa, and Fiona. It's sort of amazing how much chaos those three can create - I think it's just their age. Is it weird that I like the quiet, but I still miss them? I think the other girls do too, on both counts. You get used to having all the family there.

For that matter, it's strange not to have Kiwi here. I think I see almost as much of her, Summer, Inna, and Maia, as the people who actually live in this house. Even though they sleep next door, it's more like one big family during waking hours.

It feels like... I'm part of the family now, too. I didn't expect that. I'm really attached to them. I'm worried I won't be able to leave. Sometimes I think about asking them to adopt me. Then I remember how much harder I make things for them. It's silly to fantasize about it.

Today, I've been kind of philosophical, I guess. I've been thinking about good and evil. More specifically, which I am. I don't think I'm particularly good. Does being a vampire mean I'm automatically evil, though? Can a "creature of the night" still be good? Is what I am just bad, or does it depend on my actions? What if in the future, I never do terrible things? Am I still evil, because I'm a vampire? I feel bad that I have to drink blood. But is it any worse than a cheeseburger? Most people eat animals... just in a different way than I do.

I've also been thinking about the people I... you know... killed. It's hard to even type that. Yeah, the other vampires made me, but it's still my fault, isn't it? That must mean I'm evil after all. But the family here is so nice to me. Why would good people want to keep me around, if I'm evil? Maybe if I start doing good deeds, I could atone for my past or something. (Like Angel from Buffy - have I been watching too much television?)

Yeah. Thinking a lot, today. A quiet house can do that to you.



  1. Yes .. time alone in quiet houses can be a good or bad thing .. getting time to think is one of those things that can also be good or bad ..

    I do not think you are evil just for being a vampire .. our sister is half vampire and we never feel she is evil at all .. I think it does depend on how you act or deal with what you are the same as normal humans .. there are always good and bad people too ..

    Let them adopt you .. you already fit into their lives and they would be too lost without you .. it will all work out ..


  2. Clare,

    I don't think you can be evil and realize it. Does that make sense? Evil people don't ever seem to care that their actions are bad. They don't care about anyone. You care a lot about the Green girls and their friends are your friends now too.

    I miss my little sisters when they're gone, too, even though the peace is very nice and I can get used to it fast!


  3. Clare says:

    Taryn - Thanks! I don't think Bryna is evil, either, so I guess it can't be that all vampires are. It's easier to think about it when it's other people, rather than myself.

    I'd like to let them adopt me. It's just every time I almost tell them I want to, I get scared and chicken out. Maybe someday. If I don't get them killed.

    Emily - Yeah, it makes sense. People who were truly evil probably wouldn't care that they were hurting other people, because if they could empathize, they wouldn't do it. And yeah, I do care, and I have friends. Maybe even family.

    It's just... there are people who should be alive, who are dead because of me. I didn't mean to, but it happened. What could be more evil than that?

    It's complicated.


  4. Salut!
    I second what Emily said about being evil and not being able to realize it. There is a psychological disorder for that- antisocial personality disorder. Being around people without consciences can be frightening...believe's hard for them to feel anything.
    Clare, please do not even consider yourself to be evil! You DO have a conscience. You do feel guilt and remorse...I'm extremely sorry about everything, and I wish you the best. If I could help in some way, I promise I would.
    PS- if you ever need to talk, I'm here!

  5. Clare says:

    Hi, Sabine. I imagine it would be scary to be around someone without a conscience. I know I have one - I can feel bad about things. Remorse can be painful, but it's better than not being able to feel.

    You actually ARE helping. All of you are. It makes me feel better that I can talk, and people understand and don't stop being my friends. It really means a lot to me!


  6. I agree with Emily. If you were evil, you wouldn't worry or wonder if you were. In my opinion, your choices, actions, and what you think and feel tell what sort of person you are.

  7. Clare says:

    Thanks, Lucy! I think you're probably right. I just... haven't made the best choices in the past, to put it way too mildly. I've been kind of a bad person, in the past. I'm trying to do better for the future, though.