Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Quiet House, Thinking Thoughts
Hi, this is Clare. :-)
Taryn suggested that I spend some of my wasted daytime hours blogging, and although I wasn't sure I'd have that much to say, I've given in to the peer pressure, and I'm going to try.
The house is really quiet without Evelyn, Charissa, and Fiona. It's sort of amazing how much chaos those three can create - I think it's just their age. Is it weird that I like the quiet, but I still miss them? I think the other girls do too, on both counts. You get used to having all the family there.
For that matter, it's strange not to have Kiwi here. I think I see almost as much of her, Summer, Inna, and Maia, as the people who actually live in this house. Even though they sleep next door, it's more like one big family during waking hours.
It feels like... I'm part of the family now, too. I didn't expect that. I'm really attached to them. I'm worried I won't be able to leave. Sometimes I think about asking them to adopt me. Then I remember how much harder I make things for them. It's silly to fantasize about it.
Today, I've been kind of philosophical, I guess. I've been thinking about good and evil. More specifically, which I am. I don't think I'm particularly good. Does being a vampire mean I'm automatically evil, though? Can a "creature of the night" still be good? Is what I am just bad, or does it depend on my actions? What if in the future, I never do terrible things? Am I still evil, because I'm a vampire? I feel bad that I have to drink blood. But is it any worse than a cheeseburger? Most people eat animals... just in a different way than I do.
I've also been thinking about the people I... you know... killed. It's hard to even type that. Yeah, the other vampires made me, but it's still my fault, isn't it? That must mean I'm evil after all. But the family here is so nice to me. Why would good people want to keep me around, if I'm evil? Maybe if I start doing good deeds, I could atone for my past or something. (Like Angel from Buffy - have I been watching too much television?)
Yeah. Thinking a lot, today. A quiet house can do that to you.