Friday, March 11, 2011
Attention seeking, low standards, and trust issues
Hi, this is Bree. I'm still traveling, and I'm bored, so I decided to write something for the blog. It ended up being more serious and introspective than I was expecting. This post is gratuitous self-analysis, so if you don't want to hear about all my emotional problems (and I don't blame you) feel free to skip it. What I'm trying to do is figure out the ways in which I self-sabotage, so I can stop doing it.
I don't want to be one of those people who blame all their problems on their bad childhood. I know we're all responsible for our own actions. The thing is... sometimes when we don't get much love when we're little, it messes with our minds when we get a little older. I never got much affection from my parents. They were actually pretty terrible to me for the most part.
I think everyone needs attention. If we don't get that, we get kind of weird about it. I seek out attention. Not in a really obvious way. It's subtle. I want people to like me, though, and if the people show me even the slightest interest I latch on like a puppy. Not good. Not healthy.
That's what I mean by the "low standards" part of the title. When I'm getting a little attention and someone seems to care at all, I don't really ask the right questions or expect much. Even if they're being kind of wretched to me or are just one step above completely ignoring me, it doesn't occur to me that I deserve better. I leave myself wide open to getting hurt by people who are cruel... or even more often, people who are just indifferent towards me. More people are indifferent than actively cruel - but in the end, the results are more or less the same.
When that hurting happens (and it's pretty much inevitable) I pull back from everyone. Even people who are genuinely nice or want to help. So I sabotage myself twice. I cling to the wrong people, and when I get burned by them it makes me ignore the right ones.
All this sounds kind of dire, but I actually think that recognizing it is going to help. I'm going to try not to do that anymore. It's after the 1st of January, so I can't make a New Years Resolution... but I think I'm going to make a New Place Resolution. In my new home, I'm not going to mess things up for myself. I'm going to do my best to trust my new family, because they deserve my trust, and I'm going to ignore people who don't deserve it.
So says Bree. :-)