Saturday, April 2, 2011
This is Bree again.
On the post about my birthday (which was a massive amount of fun - I had such a good time!) my sisters mentioned in an offhand way that I don't eat very much. I didn't want to make that post or the comments really heavy with the difficult stuff, but I wanted to talk a little about why that is.
It's not quite an eating disorder in the clinical sense... but it is a pattern of disordered eating, and an unhealthy relationship with food. I know it's a problem. It just never seemed as pressing as the other stuff that was going on. It's been this way for awhile. Now I'm going to really start working to get better, though.
When I was younger, a lot of times we didn't have enough to eat. I could tell it made my parents feel stressed, and it scared me a lot too. So I taught myself to go without. I thought that meant being strong. The less I ate, the more likely it was that my (reduced) need for food would be met. I got used to it. It set a pattern.
As I got older, life seemed more and more out of control. Almost everything that happened was an adult's decision. I felt like I had no power. There was one thing I did have complete control over, though. Whether I put food into my body. It doesn't make a lot of sense when you apply logic to it, but somehow it made me feel better.
No one really noticed. Not till I came here. My sisters were surprised by how thin I am, and it matters to them if I eat or not. They expressed concern. I started to realize that maybe I should be concerned, too.
So, I'm going to work on it. It may take awhile to get my mind back on track. But I need to find ways to feel like I'm in control of my own life and my own future, without doing things that are bad for me.